Today's blog is not written my me, but by one of my clients
It's a very funny (and warning -very sweary!) blog post about his experience of our MAP (Make Anything Possible) sessions
Here's the original Facebook blog or read it below
I'm packing my bags everyone! Don't worry, I'm not hitching a lift with ET on his bike to his home world because I've had enough of 2021 already. Nope not quite, that little creepy fucker with his questionable obsession with fingering can take a intergalactic trip for one.
As it turns out I am in fact a wizard. I kept trying to get into Diagon Alley and it would not open no matter what combination of bricks I tried. I guess covid must of caused it to be in lockdown too. I wonder if Honeydukes is still open? I mean it technically sells food albeit of the sweet variety.
Regardless of this shopping disaster it worked out in the end. I found most of what I needed on Amazon, fuck knows why Harry and the gang didn't try there first. Though to be fair my nimbus is considerably smaller and more plastic than I initially thought it would be... I'm not entirely convinced it will hold up against dragon fire. Similarly my wand takes AA batteries... they must not show that in the movies. To be fair no one wants to see Harry replacing his batteries midway through an epic battle with Voldermort.
This was my first instinctual reaction to when my wonderful ex wife told me about MAP coaching. No that is a lie... my first thought was 'am I not a little bit old for an orienteering
training course plus you are constantly telling me to get lost so where is the sense in all this'. After she explained what it actually was I was then fully onboard the Hogwarts Express ready to fight my inner bogart in Professor Snape's Defence Against The Dark Arts class. That was because what she was describing sounded like absolute magical bollocks, like a pair of sparkling (they must sparkle, right?) unicorn testicles. You see I have OCD... have I ever mentioned that before? I forget. My OCD had got to the stage where it had become debilitating and was effecting my whole world and my children. I was at breaking point. So what the fuck did I have to lose? It was worth a stab (or should I say patronus) in the dark at least.
I should probably say now that this isn't a paid for advertisement but hey if anyone does want to throw me some money my way then please, as Lumiere says, be my guest. I am doing this post because this genuinely helped me and my hope is it may help someone that desperately needs it and most likely doesn't even know this form of therapy exists.
So when I originally realised I had enough screws loose to fill a decent portion of the Screwfix catalogue up I was advised to do talking therapy. For those uneducated in the numerous and ever changing types of therapy, talking therapy is the traditional type whereby you discuss your issues and life. Now don't get me wrong it does help somewhat to talk but in my case it was just that; talking. It didn't solve my numerous issues but instead I discussed them. It is like talking about an amazing, cooked to perfection steak with your choice of sides and sauce, yeah it feels good to talk about but you don't feel full unless you are shovelling it down your throat. Same with talking therapy. It does help to talk but it leaves a underlining, insatiable desire to fix the issues that have surfaced.
So how does MAP coaching actually work? Excellent question you inquisitive young chap or lass. To be honest... I don't know. Magic? There is a load of neuroscience jargon speech that explains how it works but it is considerably easier and more fun to say it is simply magic. In truth it is a process of correcting and neutralising pathways created by trauma between neurons that cause you distress. See I told you, not as fun to say.
So what exactly happens during this MAP coaching shingdig? Well it can be done anywhere for starters, you can be in bed, the sofa or even on the toilet, though the therapist may not enjoy the last one particularly. It is all done from Zoom so there is no need to travel to an office or see someone face to face. In the initial consultation (this was free for me) you are asked a series of questions about the desired outcomes of the therapy and it is decided whether or not it is suitable for you.
The therapist I had was an incredible woman and her name is Helena Silver. I have quite possibly never met a more down to earth, understanding, caring and funny individual in my life (she is also pretty fucking smart with an endless list of qualifications). I think that makes or breaks a therapy session. If you can have that, for lack of better word, chemistry between you and the therapist it makes a world of difference. I genuinely can not imagine someone not having that chemistry with Helena. By the end of our sessions we were chatting about all sorts of random shit and making jokes at both our expenses.
Okay, bear with me because this is where shit gets weird. Essentially your therapist will talk to your 'super conscious'. No, disappointingly it is not your inner superhero. It would be a shit name for a superhero anywho.
"Beware criminals and quiver in fear for I am the super conscious" does not exactly have the best ring to it.
So the super conscious is the 'heart' of your brain underneath all the anxiety, OCD, depression or whatever shit that is plaguing you. It is like having a direct line to the driver of your Very delivery without having to go through all the stress and aggro of being redirected through what feels like a hundred automated voices.
Your super conscious is told to fix and neutralise any negative traumas or associations with particular memories and do you know what? The little clever bastard only goes and does it. It may take a few attempts but eventually you become numb and non emotional to the trauma or distressing thought. You get to the stage where you are like "yeah that happened and...".
I have to concede in my first session, as all this was going on, I was thinking "fucking hell this is batshit and has as much chance at working as I do learning to pole vault with my penis" (I've never been quite able to get enough height over the pole). I was waiting for the incense sticks and voodoo dolls to be whacked out at which point I would of probably said fuck this shit and exited quicker than Donkey after fucking Dragon (did he not surely just fall into her vagina?)
However, at the end of the session... I felt... tired as fuck. As it turns out brain stuff is rather tiring but after a few days it was like the mist had started to blow away and I started to feel better. Like a domino effect once you start healing one trauma the rest start to topple over with it.
Am I completely healed? No. I think to rid yourself of mental health issues completely would be to rid yourself of humanity. To be human is to, lets face it, be a bit broken. However, I can now live with what inhabits my head. I have almost total control over it rather than it having a hold over me. The horrendous thoughts and darkest depression has been lifted for the most part. I have somehow found that holy grail that people with mental illness seek, I am managing my condition.
So if you are struggling maybe take a swing over to https://www.helenasilver.co.uk or Helena Silver Hypnotherapy and book a free consultation. Heck, whilst I think Helena is incredible please find any therapist practicing MAP coaching and just give it a go. Will it work for you? Like fuck do I know but it did for me and what realistically have you got to lose? So brush off your wizard hat and shine your wand (not a euphemism) and hopefully, fingers crossed, start to feel a bit or a lot better.